i&iTunes

CUPERTINO, California—July 3, 2006—Apple® today announced the latest version of its revolutionary iTunes®, aimed squarely at the international reggae community.

“I-man bring the word sound and powa outernationally,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “Who feels it knows it.”

i&iTunes retains the world-reknowned flexibilty and user-friendliness of iTunes, but adds many new features especially developed for reggae and dancehall fans worldwide:

Functionality

Options now include fields for “riddim” and “matrix number”. Play all your tunes in order of riddim, or develop bad eye-sight by trying to read the run off grooves of the vinyl as if they were some sort of sacred tablet from on high.

Apple technicians have reportedly “ramped up” the bass frequency for both the .ogg and .mp3 import functions.

Playlists and Filters

Filters can now be activated alongside your existing iTunes playlists. After consulting reggae fans worldwide and lurking on various internet discussion fora, Apple’s technicians have created some tailor made reggae-specific filters to maximise your enjoyment of Jamaican music, and the wealth of music it has inspired.

Studio One vinyl repress filter – adds crackles, pops and skips to all your tunes!

Jah Shaka filter – selects your best, hardest, roots tunes and adds siren noises.
JA soundclash filter – plays 30 seconds of each mp3 before rewinding and then shouting insults about your mother.
ebay seller filter – chooses tunes at random and adds “Shaka killer – RARE!!” to their filenames.

Peter Tatchell filter – removes all violently homophobic content (NB will only operate for a few years at the beginning of each decade).
Rock Journalist filter – will only play songs by Bob Marley, and those which have been covered by bands such as The Clash and Blondie.

White Purist filter – Will only play Jamaican music which is at least 15 years old.
Greensleeves/Riddim Driven filter – Allows you to play 16,000 vocal cuts of the same riddim, at least 3 of which will be worth listening to more than once.

Big People Music filter – selects only quality, easy on the ear songs for our more discerning senior users.
Small People Music filter – selects only quality songs by Billy Boyo, Musical Youth and Shorty the President.

i&iTunes Music Store

Recognising that specialist music requires specialist knowledge, Apple has secured the services of the proprietor of a recently-closed London reggae emporium.

Our new member of staff has several decades experience in the business and has already added 7,500 classic tunes to our online shop, many of which have never been available for legal download. Please note that all mp3 previews have been replaced with a gruff vocal sample shouting “Fuck off! I sell tunes, I don’t play ’em!”.

i&iTunes makes growing your digital JA music collection fast, irie and legal.

21 Comments

  8. i don’t see what’s so funny or so good about this. So apple are bringing out a new version of i-tunes… all that means is that i have to buy it and put it on my mantlepiece with the rest of them – lovely boxes. hardly the kind of stuff the mighty Uncarved should be worrying about.

    Now when the Finnish drone-folk edition comes out in the spring however…

  13. i don’t see what’s so funny or so good about this. So apple are bringing out a new version of i-tunes… all that means is that i have to buy it and put it on my mantlepiece with the rest of them – lovely boxes. hardly the kind of stuff the mighty Uncarved should be worrying about.
    —Is Apple really coming out with some new version of iTunes? (Not this [very funny] spoof version obviosly.)

    Options now include fields for “riddim”
    —FINALLY a way to track riddims!!!

    Studio One vinyl repress filter – adds crackles, pops and skips to all your tunes!
    —Ha ha.

    JA soundclash filter – plays 30 seconds of each mp3 before rewinding
    —Yeah, right?

  19. Heheheh, this has made my day

    even more so because a couple of years ago I thought of painting my iPod red, gold and green and re-naming it the “I and I -pod”. But I never would have come up with something as funny as this 😀

  20. The author forgot some of the most important features:

    The anal record collector filter: This one filters out any tunes that are not the first JA pressing.

    JA Poor Pressing filter: This filter makes the track sound like it is playing underwater while frying eggs.

    You are being busted fe ganja smoking feature: Adds authentic sound of door hinges splintering and SPG officer shouting “This is a bust!” to the end of any particularly heavy dub tracks.

  21. Pingback: TWEETS THAT MENTION UNCARVED.ORG BLOG » BLOG ARCHIVE » I&ITUNES -- TOPSY.COM

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